Me Ol' Lighter
by ColdFusion180
Summary: There are many ways to make fire, but to Pyro one stands out among the rest.


**Note: This story takes place before my story "Mutant Histeria".**

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 **Me Ol' Lighter**

"Neon tanks, xenon tanks and plasma bags," Piotr said checking the contents of a crate.

"Okay," Remy recorded them on a clipboard. "The gases go to Storage Room Ten while the plasma goes straight to Mags' lab."

"G'day, mates!" Pyro entered the Sphere Hangar. "What'cha doing?"

"Taking inventory from Mags' latest supply run," Remy told him as Piotr sorted through various crates and stacked them into piles. "I understand why he'd want radiation chambers and high-intensity spectrophotometers, but why the heck do we need ten thousand bottles of argan oil?"

"Maybe Sabes is out of foot cream again?" Pyro suggested.

"Na, Mags already stocked up on it last month," Remy told him. "Along with the rest of the important stuff: duct tape, bandages, ice cream, aspirin…"

"This is the last one," Piotr brought over a large crate.

"Great," Remy said. "Open 'er up."

"Right," Piotr carefully set down the crate and pried off the top. "Hey, it is full of packing peanuts."

"Oh boy! We haven't had any of those around here in months!" Pyro grinned. "Now I can try out more of my ideas!"

"I don't think Mags would bring just packing peanuts into the base," Remy said. "Especially after what we did with 'em last time."

"Magneto says he can still hear some oozing around inside the walls of his room," Piotr commented while rummaging through the crate. "And Sabertooth believes he has finally regained full sight in his left eye…ah, I have something," Piotr withdrew his hand and held up his find.

"That's it?" Remy blinked at a tiny specimen case smaller than his thumbnail. "All that packing for **that**? Mags could have carried it out in his pocket!"

"I do not think his uniform has pockets," Piotr frowned confirming the crate contained nothing else but packing peanuts. "Why waste so much packing supplies on a simple thing like this? It is probably not even important."

"Don't say that, mates. There are lots of common things that seem plain, but are special compared to everything else! Like this!" Pyro grinned spreading his hands. " _Gambit carries packs of playing cards!_ _Sabertooth has his fur! And Cyclops of the X-Men uses a ruby quartz visor!_ "

"He has too," Remy smirked. "Considering the three or four pairs of shades I've nabbed from him."

" _While Wolverine has claws that sheen and metal bones the same!_ " Pyro smiled reaching into his pocket. " _A live fire from me ol' lighter makes all of them look tame!_ "

"Oh no, don't even think about it…yaaahhh!" Remy hit the floor as flames erupted overhead.

"Hahahahaha!" Pyro laughed and counted off the fireballs he made. " _One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, hey!_ "

"Give me that…ooof!" Piotr tried to grab Pyro's lighter, but slipped on the spilt packing peanuts.

"Oh man, not again!" Remy yelped dashing for the room's fire extinguisher.

" _Me ol' lighter, me ol' lighter!_ _You'd better never bother with me ol' lighter!_ " Pyro cackled skipping around the hangar while setting random crates on fire. " _You can have me pack or me typewriter! But you'd better never bother with me ol' lighter!_ "

"Pyro stop it!" Piotr chased after him as the Sphere Hangar rapidly filled with flames. "You do not even have a typewriter anymore!"

"Hehehehehe!" Pyro giggled skipping out of the burning Sphere Hangar.

"PYRO!" Remy yelled as he desperately tried to beat back the blaze. "GET BACK HERE YOU MANIAC…YAAAHHHHHH!"

"What is that horrible noise?" Mastermind grumbled inside a nearby storage room. He and Sabertooth were hiding out while sharing a bottle of scotch Magneto had 'lost'. "Is somebody dying out there?"

"If only…aaaggghhh!" Sabertooth yelled as a fireball blew off the door and whizzed past his head. "Gahhh! My hair!"

"Wheeeeee!" Pyro laughed waltzing into the room. " _When surviving in the wilderness one rubs together sticks!"_

"Yikes!" Mastermind yelped as Pyro made a campfire appear in front of him.

" _The starters in gas ovens and stoves_ _are piezoelectrics!_ " Pyro giggled.

FA-WHOOOOOOSSSHHH!

"YEEEOOOWWW!" Sabertooth shrieked as he was engulfed by fire leaping from flaming kitchen appliances Pyro had created. "WAAAGGGHHHHHH!"

" _Our nuclear sun makes burning fun_ _when with a convex lens!_ " Pyro whipped out a magnifying glass.

"YAAAHHH! MY EYES!" Sabertooth screamed as the light nearly blinded him.

" _But some fire from me ol' lighter, makes lots of flaming friends!_ " Pyro laughed maniacally as he created several fire figures. " _One, two, three!_ "

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Mastermind wailed as the bottle of 'lost' scotch was consumed by the blaze.

BOOM!

" _Me ol' lighter, me ol' lighter! You'd better never bother with me ol' lighter!_ " Pyro and his newly formed fire chorus sang happily. " _You can have me pack or me typewriter! But you'd better never bother with me ol' lighter!_ "

"What is going on here?" Magento angrily stormed into the room. "You idiots better not be making barbecued yogurt again…WAAAGGGHHH!"

"Yahooo!" Pyro giggled he casually had a column of fire shoot up from under Magneto. " _A romantic meal by candlelight is dark without a match!_ "

"OUTTA MY WAY! RUN! WATER! HELP!" Sabertooth and Mastermind frantically ran around like chickens with their heads cut off.

" _The magneto in an engine spins in hope the fuel will catch!_ " Pyro went on cheerfully.

"AAAHHHHHH!" A flaming Magneto did barrel rolls above him in an attempt to put out the fires.

" _Now every torch that can burn or scorch is naught without a flame!_ " Pyro grabbed an armful of torches from a large box and made a line of them leading out of the room.

"YEEEOOOWWW!" Mastermind shrieked.

" _But some fire from me ol' lighter, puts all of them to shame!_ " Pyro smiled before setting the torches on fire.

"OKAY! THE FIRES IN THE SPHERE HANGAR ARE OUT!" Remy was heard shouting. "BUT ALL THE CRATES WAS BURNED TO ASHES!"

"WHAT?!" Magneto screamed.

" _And one, two!_ " Pyro's fire chorus sang and danced around wildly. " _Me ol' lighter, me ol' lighter!_ _You'd better never bother with me ol' lighter!_ "

"YAAAHHHHHH!" A flaming Sabertooth dumped a twenty-pound bag of baking soda over himself.

" _You can have me pack or me typewriter!_ _But you'd better never bother with me ol' lighter!_ " Pyro grinned leading his fire chorus out of the flame-and-smoke-filled storage room.

"WE NEED MORE FIRE EXTINGUISHERES!" Piotr was heard shouting.

"THESE ARE THE LAST ONES!" Remy yelled back. "MAGS ONLY GOT TWO CRATES OF THEM LAST MONTH!"

"WHAT ABOUT THE BASE'S FIRE SUPPRESSION SYSTEM?" Piotr asked.

"PYRO FILLED THE TANKS WITH RASPBERRY GELATIN AGAIN!" Remy shouted.

"Ohhh, that hurt," Sabertooth moaned looking like a mutant powdered doughnut. "I need more scotch…"

"WHERE ARE YOU PYRO?!" Magneto roared in fury. "YOU BURNED MY ONLY SAMPLE OF PROGRAMMABLE LIQUID DNA CRYSTALS! I HAND-PACKED THAT CRATE MYSELF! I'LL HAVE YOUR HIDE FOR THIS YOU…GAAAHHHHHH!"

"SAVE ME! WATER! WATER! YAAAHHHHHH!" Mastermind shrieked.

"Wahoooooo!" Pyro cackled happily while multiplying the members of his fire chorus. " _One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, hey! And a one, two, three, four and a five and a six and a seven!_ "

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Magneto howled.

" _Me ol' lighter, me ol' lighter! You'd better never bother with me ol' lighter!_ " Pyro skipped down the hallway with his flaming dance line.

"AAAIIIEEEEEEEEE!" Sabertooth cried as his clothes burst into flames again.

" _You can have me pack or me typewriter!_ _But you'd better never bother with me ol' lighter!_ " Pyro and his fire chorus finished with a flourish. " _You'd better never bother with me ol' lighter!_ "

"AAAUUUGGGHHHHHH!" Magneto screamed as the base burned around him.

"So much for taking inventory," Remy coughed tossing the clipboard over his shoulder. "Maybe Mags should consider using FedEx."

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 **Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution or the song "Me Ol' Bamboo".**


End file.
